Real Men do it with Power tools

"We need shelves in the Bedroom."

Six little words. Six words that started it all.

I don't mean to sound disparaging about my beautiful wife. She was of course correct. We did undoubtedly need shelves to accommodate the several billion books strewn across the floor of our bedroom. To be more specific, we needed shelves to accommodate the several billion books piled high on my bedside table which was in grave danger of toppling over and crushing my wife and I while we slept.

In the spirit of the Recession (and I suppose also the Little Red Hen), I decided it would be best and more economical if I did it all myself.

"No," I said. "I decry the use of such things as self assembly furniture kits or going to Ikea... That will be too easy. I will buy wood and build these myself."

You know the old science fiction question, where you ask if you had the chance to kill Hitler in his crib knowing what he would do later, would you do it? I now find myself asking if at the moment I decided to build the shelves from scratch would have been the opportune moment to clock myself over the head with something large and heavy. Yes, science fiction teaches us that this would cause a time paradox and possibly endanger the integrity of the whole space-time continuum, but I believe this could be considered a special case.

I want you to understand that I'm not a weak-kneed wimp. Quite to the contrary, I know my way around a Black and Decker. I know the optimum angle to hold a saw at and how to do so and not come out minus a finger. I know the right Rawl plugs to use in a cavity wall. I know how to lay a path. In theory.


Since I first met my wife, her father has subtly and very gently spent time teaching little DIY skills as he worked on projects around his house. A very kind and generous man, he has always been very giving with his time and advice, and is never chiding or discouraging. His attitude is that there is usually a way to repair any mistakes you make.

So it was with this Bravado that I approached B & Q, filling up my car with brackets, screws, rails and furniture board.

My first job was to attach the rails to the wall. So I measured, I checked the levels, drilled the holes, knocked in the Rawl plugs and screwed it all in.


It was crooked.


Not just a little, not so much that no body would notice. It was so crooked that it made Bank chief executives look straight.


I removed the screws and started again, all the time muttering to myself with such force and vehemence that as I recall nearby sailors began blushing with embarrassment.

Apparently there is an old saying- "Measure twice- cut once." Why I had never heard this expression before my wife mentioned it as I was pushing Polyfilla into tiny holes in the wall I don't know.

As the shelves were intended to frame the bed, I started on the other side. These went in without a problem. I decided to double check the distances for the brackets and realised that the rails on one side of the bed are half an inch narrower than the other (my wife doesn't know this and I would rather that you didn't tell her).

I could go through the catalogue of errors in full and lurid detail, but that would be too painful. However, these were the highlights.

• I sawed all the shelves. The edges were all at a 45 degree angle.
• I varnished the wood using a paint brush which had previously been used to paint some radiators blue. Hence my otherwise natural pine shelves contain a nice lurid vein of blue.
• I left the varnished shelves outside to dry in the sun. A bird crapped on them (I cleaned it).
• I screwed in the brackets...in all of the wrong places.
• I tried to set in the largest shelf (some 7 feet in length) and dropped it on my head repeatedly.
• I enlisted my wife's is setting the largest shelf. I dropped it on her head repeatedly.

Life is back to normal now and the shelves look great. I have spent the last couple of days hiding out on the living room sofa. My wife is still suffering from amnesia and doesn't remember how the lump on her head came about. Although she has been suggesting that we might look at converting the attic....